In September, I wrote about how I had gone back to school to study integrative counselling (read about it here), and I’ve loved it. I knew I’d learn a lot, but I’ve still been surprised by how much I’ve learned and how much more there is still to learn.
I have learned a lot of theory about psychotherapy, made good friends, and experienced a lot of internal exploration. Amidst the theories and the formal side of education, I have learned lessons about myself, and I wanted to share five of them with you.
The depth and complexity of human beings are truly incredible
Lesson 1: Some people may say or do things that leave us shocked, confused, or angry. Every person has a story, and when you know their story, their present behaviour makes a lot more sense, enabling us to show more empathy or compassion before jumping to judgements and conclusions.
I’ve really appreciated how the course interweaves understanding of the Christian worldview with therapeutic approaches. The more I learn about how a person develops mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually from birth through different stages and seasons, the greater my appreciation for the way we’ve been made in God’s image.
Through the stages of life, we likely experience varying levels of difficulty and trauma, yet the resilience of the human soul is deeply inspiring.
The perseverance and resilience people show, the power to come through trauma, and the fact that individuals do not need to be defined by their past have inspired me.
We may be surprised or confused by our interactions with others; we may feel offended or angry, yet so often, once we’ve listened closely to their story, we can understand them more deeply. This doesn’t necessarily mean we will agree with them or approve of their actions, but we will have a more empathetic, less reactive understanding of them.
Alos, as I’ve got to know many of my coursemates again this year, I’m amazed at how God has brought so many people through unique challenges to this place of learning, where they are investing their time, finances, and energy to study in order to help and support others.
Parents mess us up, and so it’s important to remember to have grace for them
Lesson 2: I need to have grace for myself, for my parents, and for those who have gone before them.
So much of how we interact in our relationship with ourselves and others as adults can be traced back to childhood. Some therapeutic approaches, such as the psychodynamic approach, emphasise this and the impact of the childhood years throughout one’s lifetime.
For some of my coursemates, I realise it has been an interesting journey of learning more about the dynamics and experiences of childhood as they reflect on their own parenting. We’ve been encouraging ourselves to aim to be ‘good enough’, as we often have unrealistic expectations of being perfect in all our interactions.
Throughout the course, we have looked at some creative elements to help us in our understanding; one of my favourites has been Philip Larkin’s poem ‘This Be The Verse’ [contains: explicit language], which offers an honest and humorous look at the effect of parenting on us. I studied Larkin in high school but don’t remember this one.
Overthinking is one of my key defence mechanisms
Lesson 3: We have internal defence mechanisms. Learning what they are enables you to process and deal with difficult emotions much more effectively.
I’ve known for a while that I’m an overthinker; this will often create increased levels of anxiety and stress.
While learning about defence mechanisms, I gained insight into how, when I experience anxiety, fear or a sense of not being safe, my brain seems to go into overdrive, trying to think its way out of the situation and preventing me from getting into the depths of my emotions. This has helped me realise that when I am dwelling on a situation or conversation and my thoughts are trying to work out what to do, there is likely an uncomfortable feeling underneath, such as shame or fear.
Defence mechanisms are processes we subconsciously develop when we are younger to protect ourselves from pain and hurt. While they may protect us when we are younger, they can inhibit our growth as adults. Other common defence mechanisms include repression, avoidance, and humour.
Forgiveness needs to be specific
Lesson 4: True forgiveness can take time; it requires specificity, is difficult, and costs us, but it’s so worth it.
Forgiveness is a huge topic. Having been around church for a long time, it’s not surprising that I’ve thought about, discussed and even preached on it. During one of our training weekends, as we looked at forgiveness, we watched a TEDx talk by Sarah Montana.
This really gave me insight into the practical process of actually forgiving others, not just wishing you could or trying to convince yourself that you have.
A key part was learning to be specific about what you are forgiving and embracing the painful, messy process of forgiveness, rather than forgiving someone in general because it’s the ‘right thing to do’ or because your church leader has told you to.
If this is of interest to you, I’d really recommend watching Sarah Montana’s TEDx Talk “Why forgiveness is worth it”.
I am not as stupid as I thought I was
Lesson 5: I may feel daunted by a task, but I can do more than I think when I focus and am properly motivated.
In 2011, I walked away from university, and I felt like a failure. I had enrolled on a five-year master’s course in Chemistry with Forensic Science, and due to my poor results, I was given the option to either change course or graduate with an ordinary bachelor’s degree. Because of the shame I felt, I didn’t even attend my graduation.
This experience, in particular, left me with the impression that I was stupid and unable to perform well in something academic.
In one of our assignments this year, I had to write a 3000-word essay that involved researching by reading journal articles and textbooks and using the Harvard Referencing and Formatting Style. I felt intimidated, but as I invested a significant amount of time reading books and journal articles, my confidence grew that I could indeed do this, and I was satisfied that I did it well. Thankfully, I passed this assignment, and if you’re interested, you can read the essay here.
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If you’re interested in developing your interpersonal or pastoral skills, or in exploring what becoming a counsellor could be like, I’d recommend signing up for the Vital Pathways Training Christian Counselling Certificate course here.
Thank you very much for reading. I’d love to hear from you – leave a comment with your reflections or questions.
Dan :)
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